A Modest Essay


ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE
APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY
SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT
HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been
known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient
in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I
write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread
water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles
up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in
twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in
Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a
small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play
bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous
documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I
enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical
appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics
worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire.
I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine
and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a
traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral
arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust
me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once
read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had
time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location
of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert
operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair.
While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of
terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends,
to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered
the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four
course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams.
I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and
spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart
surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.